Trump Should Tap Warren Beatty to Call the Election

The president declared himself the winner in the court of opinion—more specifically, his opinion.

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Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity, shade, and schadenfreude.
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Though millions of votes remain uncounted in battleground states like Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan, in the wee small hours of Wednesday morning Donald Trump got bored with democracy and declared the election over. "We want all voting to stop," Trump actually said in this reality, accidentally revealing "the big plan." Trump then said he'd take the case to the Supreme Court despite the fact that there is no case right now. I had already taken my Queen's Gambit green pill for the evening so the rest is a little hazy. I may have dreamed the rest of this but it's possible Trump continued, "I've asked Chief Justice Warren to step in and make a ruling," not referring to deceased Supreme Court Justice Earl Warren but perhaps to actor Warren Beatty, who declared La La Land the winner of the 2017 Best Picture Oscar despite results that revealed Moonlight was the winner. Trump did indicate that he'd be willing to hear Earl Warren's opinion as well but then changed his mind upon learning that Warren, a Republican, had ruled in favor of Brown v. Board and other anti-segregation cases.

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The threat to take a vote that has no apparent legal challenges to the Supreme Court of One White Man's Opinion is unprecedented, but it does align with what most election pundits predicted. Many expected Trump to use a little-known but apparently totally legal strategy known as the Pulling Some Chaotic Bullshit method perfected by Annalise Keating and Patty Hewes. It remains to be seen if it will work, though insiders say Warren Beatty is on his way to Washington, D.C. this morning while co-presenter Faye Dunaway jets to Kenosha to oversee the vote count there.

It is surprising that Trump has, in my post-election fever dream, turned to Hollywood to settle an election that isn't contested but rather is actually proceeding exactly how it was expected to proceed given the challenge of counting millions of mail-in and absentee ballots in states where Republican legislators blocked efforts to start counting before Election Day. Trump has often groused about the Hollywood and celebrity elite, taking aim at celebrities seemingly at random, as he did last week when he called Lady Gaga an anti-fracking activist despite the fact that there is no shale gas on Chromatica or when he called Beyoncé "Beyonsee", which isn't really an insult, just stupid.

But it's well-known that the president believes that live-tweeting award shows and SNL is a crucial part of his job, as if he is a culture writer who writes a humor column on this website instead the President of the United States. Perhaps this is a Freaky Friday situation which means that I am currently possibly losing my job to Joe Biden and Trump will be recapping Project Runway next year. Anything is possible in this election, up to and including having Warren Beatty or another star of the Golden Age of Hollywood dramatically open up an envelope and then say whatever words come to mind.

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Despite the fact that there is literally no new news and the only thing that's left to be done is count pieces of paper, there is a certain cinematic quality to Trump's feeble attempts to claim a victory that is not within his grasp. For instance, at 2 a.m. ET, Trump gave an expectedly deranged speech to the balcony of the Elephant Graveyard where he and his acolytes have spent the last four years plotting, performing intricate choreography, and scarring Simba and Nala for life.

In reality, Trump told the crowd, falsely, "Frankly, we did win this election." Election historians continue to puzzle over this statement because, while it is not based in any currently available facts, it is one white man's opinion and that does seem to be the way we make decisions around here.

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In any case, the slovenly hyenas who prop Trump up were left confused. Presidential advisor Ed the Hyena spoke to reporters on the condition of anonymity before giving his full name and double-checking the spelling. "It's just weird. He actually has fewer electoral votes right now than Joe Biden but nobody has reached 270 so we just figured we wouldn't have anybody running Pride Rock this year. You know, no king. No king. La-la-la-la-lah. But then when we got on board with that plan, he called us idiots, and said he'd be the king. Pick a struggle. Now he's over there singing about 'the coup of the century' and, man, I don't know. I hope Warren Beatty can figure this out. We're all just so tired. We've had to learn so much choreography."

Elsewhere, former Vice President Joe Biden briefly addressed supporters after midnight on Wednesday morning, reminding supporters that the election results were still not known and that every vote needed to be counted. The American people head into days of uncertainty that can only be solved by constantly refreshing Twitter to see if anything has changed, which it has not. At press time, the only candidate in the 2020 presidential race to concede was Kanye West, who was unaware that an army of holograms of Robert Kardashian cannot legally vote. Yet.

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